a thread

It's so disconcerting to have someone close to you who is suicidal. It feels like their unpredictability is attached with a little thread to your soul, and it's always pulling. You tell yourself that you can make it better and that if you keep telling them how much you care and that you love them, it will be enough. And the person tells you that you shouldn't worry, that you don't have to worry until he stops responding.

And then you don't hear from that person for one day. Then it's two days. And then three. And then you start coming unraveled on the inside, even as you refuse to let it get past your subconscious that something might be wrong, because you talk to that person EVERY day. And the idea that he gave up is too much to bear, too much to even consider. You get moody and depressed and strike out at everyone for no reason. You don't even realize what's bothering you until he finally lets you know that he's ok. And then you lose it.

As soon as you know it's ok, it hits you and you cry and cry because deep down inside, you had already started preparing yourself for the news. You scanned newspapers looking for a mention of a man found dead, an apparent suicide. You break a little when that relief washes over you, and it's eerie when he says how close to the bottom he came. Because you KNEW it wasn't ok. You KNEW he was so damn close to the edge. But he's so cut off, you can't reach him. All you can do is get to him on his good days and hope that is enough to fortify his strength when the darkness is closing in. And you pray for strength, for both of you.