a thread

It's so disconcerting to have someone close to you who is suicidal. It feels like their unpredictability is attached with a little thread to your soul, and it's always pulling. You tell yourself that you can make it better and that if you keep telling them how much you care and that you love them, it will be enough. And the person tells you that you shouldn't worry, that you don't have to worry until he stops responding.

And then you don't hear from that person for one day. Then it's two days. And then three. And then you start coming unraveled on the inside, even as you refuse to let it get past your subconscious that something might be wrong, because you talk to that person EVERY day. And the idea that he gave up is too much to bear, too much to even consider. You get moody and depressed and strike out at everyone for no reason. You don't even realize what's bothering you until he finally lets you know that he's ok. And then you lose it.

As soon as you know it's ok, it hits you and you cry and cry because deep down inside, you had already started preparing yourself for the news. You scanned newspapers looking for a mention of a man found dead, an apparent suicide. You break a little when that relief washes over you, and it's eerie when he says how close to the bottom he came. Because you KNEW it wasn't ok. You KNEW he was so damn close to the edge. But he's so cut off, you can't reach him. All you can do is get to him on his good days and hope that is enough to fortify his strength when the darkness is closing in. And you pray for strength, for both of you.

sleepy

I really, really, really dislike Mondays. I had a nice weekend though, I kept to myself for the most part...needed some downtime I guess. I did manage to make it to the gym both days and had good workouts instead of half-assed ones, feeling a little sore today. And tired. Last night I went to see an old friend and I stayed up a little later than usual. I slept really well for the first time in a couple of weeks, too bad I still didn't get my 8 hours.

As I've lost weight, it's funny to me how people look at you different. For the first time, I had a revelation this weekend. I decided that I'm "all in". Before, I was fine with getting off enough to be healthy, but still having my flaws. Why not strive for a perfect body? Who says it's impossible? It's not like I would have to put forth any extra effort, I just have to keep doing what I'm doing now....only longer than I originally thought.

My phone isn't working today and it's kind of refreshing to get away from it. Yesterday I was feeling like I closed a chapter in my single life, and that chapter may or may not be trying to get in touch with me today. I like not knowing. If it's not over, I don't know if I have the strength to keep waiting and being patient, but if it really is this time, I don't want that feeling of loss. It's just not easy, and it seems like it should be.

Lucky for me, I'm leaving work a little early today, in about 2 minutes to be exact, so I can sneak in a little catnap before I get started on this evening's plans. Also, the bachelors are getting narrowed down, there's two now, but I can really see one working out. Those of you who know me from my last blog are no doubt smirking right now, as this sounds familiar to you. Hell, it sounds familiar to me too. Reference a previous posting where I refer to myself as an idiot...but to clarify, I'm an optimistic idiot.

It's not that I'm dead-set on finding some perfect man or relationship, I like the chase and the process and the excitement. But I wouldn't complain if one of them worked out. And it's time to go, my bed is waiting for me (thank god).

Up and Down!!

The balancing act continues! I'd like to take a moment to applaud myself for a positive week. Ok, so maybe I strayed from my diet a bit, and maybe I skipped 2 days at the gym, BUT, I was able to make healthy decisions and prioritize. One of the major differences between the old me and the new me is that the new me realizes how much you have to take care of yourself. I can't even begin to tell you what an amazing difference I've felt since I started going to the gym and restricting my calories. I've lost 41 lbs and I still have a ways to go before I'm satisfied, but for the first time in my life, I feel like I have the control. My body is no longer a war-torn country I willingly sacrifice and abuse....yay!

To me, one of the most interesting parts of online dating is how much you can find out from just a simple email address. Even as I typed that I had a moment of oops, thinking that I actually have an email address connecting to this blog somewhere else. That's not great, I like to preserve my anonymity as much as possible, you know?

Anyway, I was talking to a few different guys and they all seemed great (however, my track record with judgment leaves something to be desired). Then I did a few simple searches. I found out one of them was quite obsessed with his hair and recent hair transplant and, according to a post on a support group site, the beautiful women have been flowing like milk and honey. Yikes, next please....Bachelor #2 secretly wants to be dominated. He still wants a normal relationship, just a side-serving of submission kink with it. Humiliate him, let him serve you, give him a good spanking. Bachelor #3 doesn't have a dirty or weird secret, but he does have a fairly serious and debilitating disease that he didn't mention. Although I do not hold that against him, I do question whether I would be able to cope with that. And even wondering makes me feel like a terrible, shallow person.

I can say with confidence that guy #1 will not be right for me, guy #2 is still in the running, and I'm at odds with #3. In other news, I made a date for Saturday night too quickly and I desperately want to get out of it! I don't know how to do it without hurting the guy's feelings, but I know that it's wrong between us and I don't want to give him false hope because he's been through a lot. I know how bad it hurts when someone you're really interested in blows you off. They say honesty is best, but it stings pretty bad. More so to the point, am I hesitating in telling him the truth because I don't want to hurt him or because I don't want to deal with an awkward situation? Again, with the terrible, shallow me. Ugh.

Decisions, Decisions

Here's a novel concept: when confronted with many choices, what if you DIDN'T choose one? What if you just endlessly explored the options without making any concrete decisions? I think you end up frazzled. Again, in my self-analysis of why I'm an idiot, it dawned on me that the decisions I think I make are not what they seem. What actually happens is I hesistate and I'm so unsure that I end up waiting for circumstances to work themselves out. Essentially, what happens is I give power to everyone but myself.

Why do I find it so difficult to know what I want? Why am I more concerned about what makes other people happy? I have such a hard time defining what I want. If you can't define your dreams, they'll never come true. I might add, that line sounds exactly like the psychobabble BS that I hate.

Starting over....again

As I see it, there are two ways for a single girl in her 20s to end up with a frustrating love life:

1. You are not selective enough, or sure enough, about what you want and you date many men, most who either disappoint you or do not fulfill you.
2. You are too picky and always seem to be alone.

Whether right or wrong, I fall into the first category. While this has led to countless tears and declarations to either become a nun or a lesbian, I have to admit it's the more interesting of the two. My biggest problem seems to come down to a nasty little three letter word (not STD, thank god!)...s-e-x. Sex betrays me everytime. And everytime I'm dumb enough to believe a man when he tells me he doesn't like me just for the physical aspect, I perpetuate the cycle.

I've recently ended two different "relationships". The first one really was a relationship. I had been seeing M for about 2 months. Overall, things were going pretty well and I really liked him, maybe even loved him. But there were just too many things that made me uncomfortable about him. And when I found out about the cheating, I called it over. I can honestly say I didn't shed a single tear over M, which made the crying over J even more improbable.

J was a guy I was seeing for all of 2 weeks. He had actually approached me a few months ago online with a cocky and perverted attitude. I was having a bad day and went off on him, he ended up apologizing and trying to backtrack, asserting that he was actually a gentleman and very shy. I had my doubts, so I kept giving him the cold treatment. He was very persistant and kept saying the right things, so I finally agreed to go out with him. I should have trusted my initial instincts. Instead, I discovered that I kind of liked this guy and I lost the upper hand. As soon as he realized I was no longer aloof, he changed. And as for him being a gentleman? He pulled his penis out on the first date. Naturally, it turned into a sex thing, but there still seemed to be a hint of friendship beneath it all that made me think it might become something else. Because I am an idiot.

A few days go by and I don't hear from J, nor does he respond to the few texts I send him. Finally, I ask if he's ok and he responds with, "I got a girlfriend." WHAT. This coming from the guy who poured his heart to me about how his ex screwed him up and how he still wasn't ready for a relationship. Lies, lies, lies....all of it! Including his reason for ignoring me. He doesn't have a girlfriend, he just got all that he wanted from me. Because I am an idiot.

When I cried that night, I didn't cry because I actually missed J, I cried because I could see myself falling into that damn trap again. It was then that I realized I have to change. And I got a cat. Living alone can be, well, lonely. Half my problem with dating is that I have nothing better to do. Half my problem with dating turning into "sex things" is that I'm not selective or defined enough and when the converation starts to lag, sex is always a common interest. It fills in the blanks. And I'm an idiot. Do we see a recurring theme here?

So, here I am, taking my stand. Tomorrow is Monday and I'm ready for a fresh start. I'm utterly single and from this point on, I am a selective girl. I will reject men for petty reasons and I will NOT cave in to first date, or even second date, sex. Amen. Who's taking bets on how long it will be before I crack?